How do they dress a corpse?

When mom worked at the funeral home her duties were limited to some light cleaning and greeting mourners and family members. She made it clear from day-one that she would never handle a body or help with the embalming (which took place in the basement).

One day she had a conversation with the owner of the funeral parlor. "I always wondered, how to you get the clothes on the bodies. I mean, they are stiff and everything. So how do you dress them?"

The owner replied, We are dressing a lady this morning. If you want to come to the basement you can see."

Mom replied, "No thanks! I told you before that I will never go into that basement. I am not that curious."

The owner laughed and said, "Well, the whole process is interesting and we do everything with a great deal of respect. But here is the secret. We will take the dress the family gave to us for the lady and cut the dress up the back. Then we just pull the arms through and tuck the back parts of the dress under her."

My mother was skeptical. "You kidding! You really cut the dress down the back?"

The funeral director replied, "Absolutely! Snip, snip, snip! RIght down the back. Nobody gets to see it."

Early the next morning, there was a knock at the door. Mom answered the door and the daughter of the deceased introduced herself. She asked if it was O.K. for her to see her mother before the rest of the family arrived. "I just want to make sure they got the make-up and hair right."

Mom ushered the woman into the parlor and as the woman looked at her mother, she turned pale. "This is not right!" she exclainmed.

Mom tried to help. "Is it the hair? The lady that does the hair can be here in five minutes and fix it anyway you want. Sometimes it is hard to go by the picture the family provides. If it's the make-up, we can have that fixed right away."

The woman shook her head, "No, the make-up and hair are fine. It's the dress!"

Mom replied, "What do you mean? Is that not the dress you gave to the director?"

The lady replied, "No. It is the right dress, but they've got it on her backwards!"

Mom swallowed hard and excused herself to call the funeral director. When he answered the phone, she explained the situation.

Mom said, "Good morning. You remember how you explained to me yesterday that you would get the dress on the lady by cutting it down the back and then pulling her arms through and tucking the back under her body? Remember, snip, snip, snip? Well, geniuous, you cut the front of the dress and put it on backwards! The daughter is here and she is upset, to say the least!"

The director raced to the scene and offered apologies. He told the bereied womant that he would have her taken to the best clothing stores in town and that she could pick any dress she wanted for her mother. The daughter of the deceased began to laugh.

"You know what? My mother's whole life was a series of jokes. It was like one gian comedy! Leave the dress on backwards! Believe me, she is laughing her head off right now."

So when the final judgement comes, keep an eye out for the lady with the dress on backwards and tell her you read her story!

Mom was single and in her 60's when she found a great apartment, above a funeral home. The apartment was part of her pay for working in the funeral parlor. My brother advised her not to take the job. Living above a funeral home, with corpses in the parlor didn't seem like a great job to him. (To me, it sounded like the beginning of a "Three Stooges" movie and I could hardly wait for Mom to move in!)

Mom was casual about the whole thing; a little too casual. "This is a great deal. I get this beautiful apartment and all I have to do is some light cleaning and greet the mourners when they arrive. The owner lives about an hour away so he is happy to have someone living here."

"What about the dead people?" we asked.

"They're dead. They can't hurt me. Don't be silly. This will be a great place to live."

We had to admit that the guests downstairs would be quiet, so she moved in - actually my brother moved her in.

It was dark outside by the time the last of her things were moved upstairs. There was one 'guest' downstairs - and according to all accounts, he was quiet. All was well, until my brother said it was time for him to leave and return home to his wife and children.

"Wait a minute." Our mother said. "I know this is silly, but I didn't expect a dead body on the first night in this house! Can't you spend the night?

My brother smiled and said, "I have to get home. Mom, you are acting silly. It is like you said, 'they can't hurt you' they're dead. It is not a big deal. You are upstairs and the dead guy is downstairs in parlor "A". you are acting silly. They can't possible hurt you."

This conversation went back and forth and according to Mom, my brother kept giving her a lot of grief about being afraid of nothing and that it is ridiculous to worry about a dead guy in a coffin. She finally gave up and walked him downstairs, passed the room with the deceased and up to the front door. As they reached the door, my mother turned the door knob and the door would not open. She told my brother, "The lock is stuck I can't get the door open." (Can you hear the Three Stooges theme music?)

My brother laughed and thought she was kidding. He said, "Come-on Mom, I need to get home. Quit fooling around. Let me open it."

With that, Mom stepped aside and my brother took hold of the doorknob. He tried to turn it and it would not budge. He twisted it back and forth and began to panic.

"Look Mom, this is not funny. I need to go home."

Mom replied, "I didn't do anything. The door will not open."

By now my brother was twisting and pulling the doorknob and pushing the door.

He said, "Look, I am not staying here! I am not sleeping in a house with a dead guy!"

Our mother laughed and said, "What happened to 'the dead can't hurt you' and 'I am acting silly over nothing?'"

My brother replied, "I am not kidding! I'll get your tools and take this door apart! I am not staying in here!"

Our mother continued to laugh and said, "I thought you said it was not a big deal if I stay here with the corpse."

My brother, who was still frantically trying to open the door, said, "That's right! It IS no big deal for YOU to stay here! Buy I am not!"

Well, the door eventually opened and my brother escaped. Mom survived, but the things that happened to her while living in that funeral home are family legend.

Welcome to My World!

Every family has nutty stories and anecdotes, but my family consistently has more than anyone I've ever met. So, if you have an amusing tale of woe, family legend, or think that your family has more nuts on it than this tree, share a tale.